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newnumber6General depression and mopeyness beyond cut-tag, be warned.
So, yeah, it's Valentine's Day. I'm not traditionally one who rails against Valentine's Day as a 'conspiracy by the greeting cards day' or whatever. In theory, I think it's a relatively sweet day. In theory. The problem is to the single, especially the terminally single, it can also get depressing as hell. Seeing people being all loveful and such. I'll admit it, I'm jealous.
Normally I weather it pretty well, choosing to ignore it or celebrate it as 'invention of the computer Day' (Feb 14th was the introduction of the first all electronic digital computer, ENIAC), and just try to suppress my feelings. I've pretty well accepted that I'm going to be alone for as long as I choose to live. Still, I don't _like_ being alone. The fact that it's mainly my own incompetence with life causing it only makes the feelings worse. I just wish I could somehow make it work for me.
I endulge in frequent fantasies, imaginings, (I'd call them daydreams but I sadly never get into any actual dream state with them, where the visualizations take on a life of their own or drown out the real world, it's all deliberate) when I have a free moment and nothing to do, or right as I'm trying to sleep, on the bus without a book, etc. I always have. Normally they're some fantastic adventure sort of things. Lately romance aspects have come up more often in them, becoming much more prominent. Not even sex, just getting into the stage of being in a relationship (and, once in a while, something like marriage). There's still usually an adventure/fantastic aspect (because, sad as it is, I find it difficult for me to envision any situation with me in a romantic situation that doesn't also involve me falling into another world or discovering a means to teleport or being one of the few survivors of a worldwide plague or something) but there's been a shift of focus.
But the fantasies can't go too far, I have to return to reality eventually, and I'm left, empty, depressed. I want love but I'm incapable of pursuing it. The day just rubs it in.
Now, I hate Japan and all it's works (well... okay, I like Japan, and some of its works, but hate a lot of anime and that's the part of Japan that tends to get rubbed in my face the most), but I do rather like the thing I heard on the news about their Valentines Day tradition, that somehow it got confused along the way of adapting the holiday, and became a day that women could express their secret feelings towards a guy they liked (with some gift of chocolate). Then, a month later there was a reverse/similar holiday, white day, for men. See, that at least would be nice. I'd still probably be left out, but it'd be nice to have a day where it's expected for the girl to make the first move.
Anyway, all of this is compounded right now due to being bored. What with it being a Saturday and so not a whole lot going on, combinated with XET being down for the next few hours (and hopefully not longer) so don't really have the virtual company of others to distract me and am just alone with my thoughts. I should probably find something productive to do instead of wallowing, but I can't really think of anything. Or maybe I should just go to bed, except it's horrifically early to be doing that. Bleh.
So, yeah, it's Valentine's Day. I'm not traditionally one who rails against Valentine's Day as a 'conspiracy by the greeting cards day' or whatever. In theory, I think it's a relatively sweet day. In theory. The problem is to the single, especially the terminally single, it can also get depressing as hell. Seeing people being all loveful and such. I'll admit it, I'm jealous.
Normally I weather it pretty well, choosing to ignore it or celebrate it as 'invention of the computer Day' (Feb 14th was the introduction of the first all electronic digital computer, ENIAC), and just try to suppress my feelings. I've pretty well accepted that I'm going to be alone for as long as I choose to live. Still, I don't _like_ being alone. The fact that it's mainly my own incompetence with life causing it only makes the feelings worse. I just wish I could somehow make it work for me.
I endulge in frequent fantasies, imaginings, (I'd call them daydreams but I sadly never get into any actual dream state with them, where the visualizations take on a life of their own or drown out the real world, it's all deliberate) when I have a free moment and nothing to do, or right as I'm trying to sleep, on the bus without a book, etc. I always have. Normally they're some fantastic adventure sort of things. Lately romance aspects have come up more often in them, becoming much more prominent. Not even sex, just getting into the stage of being in a relationship (and, once in a while, something like marriage). There's still usually an adventure/fantastic aspect (because, sad as it is, I find it difficult for me to envision any situation with me in a romantic situation that doesn't also involve me falling into another world or discovering a means to teleport or being one of the few survivors of a worldwide plague or something) but there's been a shift of focus.
But the fantasies can't go too far, I have to return to reality eventually, and I'm left, empty, depressed. I want love but I'm incapable of pursuing it. The day just rubs it in.
Now, I hate Japan and all it's works (well... okay, I like Japan, and some of its works, but hate a lot of anime and that's the part of Japan that tends to get rubbed in my face the most), but I do rather like the thing I heard on the news about their Valentines Day tradition, that somehow it got confused along the way of adapting the holiday, and became a day that women could express their secret feelings towards a guy they liked (with some gift of chocolate). Then, a month later there was a reverse/similar holiday, white day, for men. See, that at least would be nice. I'd still probably be left out, but it'd be nice to have a day where it's expected for the girl to make the first move.
Anyway, all of this is compounded right now due to being bored. What with it being a Saturday and so not a whole lot going on, combinated with XET being down for the next few hours (and hopefully not longer) so don't really have the virtual company of others to distract me and am just alone with my thoughts. I should probably find something productive to do instead of wallowing, but I can't really think of anything. Or maybe I should just go to bed, except it's horrifically early to be doing that. Bleh.
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-14 05:17 pm (UTC)As far as dating goes though- it's hard. Especially for people whose interests go deeper than current TV and beer. Japan's Valentine's Day Chocolate isn't always for secret crushes and it kind of evolved into women giving chocolate to men with whom they have a close relationship, like their bosses, as well- but that isn't necessarily bad. It makes it less stressful, as receiving chocolate doesn't mean the girl is totally crushed. And there's no pink crap everywhere, stores don't have V-Day sales, TV is the same as normal, etc.
Anyway, I'm probably not helping your mood any- just commenting, sympathizing, something like that. ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-02-14 08:43 pm (UTC)think about it!
no subject
Date: 2004-02-14 09:13 pm (UTC)Re: Japanese Valentine's Day
Date: 2004-02-15 07:51 am (UTC)As to Japanese... yeah, the news thing I watched mentioned about it being used for giving chocolate to friends, bosses, etc, too, I just didn't mention that because, well, that didn't appeal to me so much as the purer original idea of it. ;)
Re:
Date: 2004-02-15 07:53 am (UTC)Though I'm still of the 'intense fear of meeting people online'. I'm thoroughly uninteresting and disappointing in person, and so far pretty well every person I've known from online first that I later met, I lost touch with very quickly afterwards. So I remain a hermit.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-15 07:55 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-15 08:18 am (UTC)Toronto's okay. I'm in Etobicoke for school though, so I don't think that's really considered Toronto. *shrug* It's not exactly what I was expecting, but ah well. We all get a little disappointed once in a while.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-15 09:03 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-15 12:00 pm (UTC)I'm shy. I used to be really, really, painfully shy. The only way you get over it is to face your fears, and yeah, it sucks to do that. Do it anyway.
Then you, too, can gibber about penguins in public in no time. Or... not.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-16 08:27 am (UTC)