Who Foo, Book Foo, and a few other foo.
Jun. 22nd, 2007 11:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
newnumber6Let's start with some Book Foo...
Finished: Next of Kin, by Eric Frank Russell
Started: Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, by Susanna Clarke
Some brief non-spoilery thoughts on NoK behind the cut.
It's an older work, about a scout on a survey mission to the 'enemy', to see how far their network extends. When his ship no longer works he must survive on his own wits.
It's what I'd call a bit 'light' side of SF. Not that there weren't SF aspects, but it was played more as an excuse to have light comedic moments about bureaucracy and how easy it can be to fool stupid people. So, I enjoyed it mildly, but I can't see myself really remembering much of it a year from now, except perhaps as single jokes (oh yes, there was one story where the guy escaped by (so and so)).
I still can't figure out why it was called Next of Kin, since the main character doesn't really have family. I suppose there's one explanation that at least makes sense for why they'd choose the title, involving Eustace, but I'd think there'd be better titles available.
Doctor Who, Spoilers for Utopia behind cut!
Okay, Utopia. Well, what can I say. I liked it. The surprise was a little blunted for me because I'd heard a spoiler before the season began. Now the only thing was left was to see if the spoiler was true or misinformation, and it turned out to be more or less true. Except the fact that the watch played a role wasn't revealed, so that was a nice little twist. Still, it was cool.
The 'main plot' was a little weak, but then it didn't have to be strong, it was just a nice little paper covering over the big reveal. Jack was also really fun to see, much more into his true form and not as mopey as Torchwood. The explanation for his immortality's a bit weak, though, but par for the course on the show.
We got a little bit of 'magically convenient TARDIS rules' in the ep, though, with Jack holding onto the Tardis when it dematerializes. I thought they were going to explain it with the Vortex Manipulator, but they never actually seemed to make the connection - they said he'd "had" a vortex manipulator, but it burnt out in the 1800s. If they said it still had enough juice to hold on, fine, but otherwise you have Jack doing something that was otherwise impossible. (And, Doc, it might have been a good idea to ask Jack to tag along for the ride when the Master left, rather than hold the door).
Otherwise I don't really have any _big_ complaints as I often do, save one. Which I guess means I do have them. Loved the Master reveal. Loved both actors playing the Master. What I didn't love? The "YOU ARE NOT ALONE=YANA!" montage. It just felt so... amateurish. Like RTD was saying, "Did you see what I did there? Did you? The Professor's name was Yana, which is also an acronym for You Are Not Alone! Did you see it?" when it should have been left as an easter egg. The only reason to bludgeon it in is if it's a major plot point - if the Professor _chose_ Yana because he somehow learned of You Are Not Alone and wanted to mock the Doctor. Otherwise, it made me eyeroll.
Still I look forward to seeing where they go from here. I'm thinking either Utopia itself, the version of Captain Jack who lived to the end of the Universe, or Martha's magic cell phone will play a role in them getting out, or maybe all of the above.
Normally, I don't post any of my fiction writing. I'll occasional post random ideas or seeds of same, but I'm always shy of posting actual writing. It's the kind of thing where either I want to attempt to publish it first, or if not I want to edit and editing is slow. I think there are a few Sliders fanfics of mine out there from a decade ago, but not much other than that. But, on one of the message boards, someone started a 'Writers Workshop' thread, where the first challenge was to write the first 5 pages of a story, in comic book script format, although any genre. I'm not technically on a writing cycle now, but I'm still trying to stretch myself, so I figured I'd do something I don't normally do, and participate.
So I took an old idea I had that I didn't think I was going to write into a short story or novel, and over the course of a day or so fleshed it out into 5 comic pages worth of introduction and posted to the thread. Still kinda think it sucks, but the thread is here, towards the end of the first page, if anyone happens to be interested. I'm ghostly1 there. There are a few other interesting script starts there too of course that might be worth a look.
Edit: Decided to include it directly in the entry, behind a cut of course. And now updated with some explanatory data of the concept.
Okay, this isn't a project I've been working on for any length of
time. I wrote this specifically for the workshop (although I had
the basic idea for the 'world' before). I don't know that I'll be
able to participate in the workshop regularly, but you caught me on
a week where I didn't have a lot to do, and since I pretty well never
do the 'sharing my work' thing, I figured I'd give it a try if I
came up with an idea. I did, obviously, yesterday, and wrote this
up over the course of about a day. So, naturally, the dialog could use some work and I'll probably wind up changing all the names when I can think of better ones. But, here we go. Comments of course, welcome (since if they weren't, why do it?)
"Split-Up", Issue #1, First Five Pages
by me (copyright, technically, but probably released under a creative commons type license eventually)
Page 1:
6 panels. Maybe more, if necessary to spread things out a little
more or put in establishing shots. Fine to be relatively tight in
most of the time though, so smaller panels would be okay and still
have decent detail.
Panel 1:
We see a woman walking away from a man. They are two of our main
characters (although only one will be seen much this arc). Both college
age. The male, Joe, is a pretty average guy. The girl, likewise. Both
might qualify as 'geek cute', with the girl leaning more towards the
outwardly geeky looking (perhaps wearing glasses), and the guy one
of those ones who tries to fly under the radar.
In fact, that should be the theme of his look at this point. No bright
colors, no labels on his shirt, he doesn't like to make waves or stand
out.
They're in a university campus, in an indoor area, and so there are
other students around, reading, eavesdropping, or otherwise.
JOE: Mary, wait! Come on, what did you want me to say?
MARY: I don't know, defend me? Act like I'm something more to you
than something to keep you busy when your friends aren't around?
JOE: You know that's not true. I mean, you know you are. You mean
everything to me.
Panel 2:
He's got her attention again, but Mary is between turning to give him a
chance to say something and being angry.
JOE: I'm sorry. Kev's a jerk sometimes, but he's not...
MARY: Oh, of course. You defend him to me, but not me to him.
Whatever, I'd rather spend my day off alone, catching up on studying.
JOE: I'm not defending him, I'm apologizing for him. I love you.
Panel 3:
Mary is backing up, away from Joe.
MARY: I really hope that's true, because I think I love _you_. But
anybody can say the words. The proof's in the behaviour. You've
got to make an effort.
JOE: I know. Come back upstairs, I'll kick Kev out, and we'll watch
that movie.
Panel 4:
They're standing a short distance apart. One might be able to see,
through a window to the outside, a huge energy wall ('the divider')
snaking towards them, or other people outside reacting to it and
freaking out. People not involved in the fight might now be getting up
to look at the divider.
MARY: No, not today. I'm not in the mood any more, and I really do
have stuff I should do.
JOE: Call you tonight?
MARY: If you want.
Panel 5:
The panel is from Joe's perspective. He's looking at Mary, who
seems a little softer, no longer so angry, maybe if anything tired
or sad. Depending on how close you want to make it, you might see
the divider again, on the edge of the view, about to sweep past
them.
JOE: I will.
MARY: Joe, I think...
Panel 6:
The divider has swept across the room, separating Joe and Mary. The
panel is from Joe's perspective, where it just seems like some huge
energy field has slammed between them.
Page 2:
3 panels. One relatively large panel to start with, 2 smaller panels.
Panel 1:
Relatively large panel. The energy field is gone, now, but what it
has left in its place is strange and unfamiliar. View should probably
be side on, showing Joe reacting to a group of alien beings. It
should also make clear that it's a division point, along the line of
where the force field was. Whatever was on Joe's side is there. Make
good effect of this, parts of the building sheared neatly in half.
Whatever was on Mary's side is seemingly replaced by an alien
landscape, relatively barren, except for a science team. It should
be noted that nothing on the 'alien' side should be cut in half, save
the ground itself. Joe is shocked, and scared, confused, freaked out.
ALIEN WORD BUBBLE: (alien characters)
Panel 2:
Darkened room, Joe bolting awake, shirt off, sweating. Classic 'waking
from a nightmare' type pose.
Keep the focus tight on the character, not the room - he could be
anywhere.
JOE: Aieeee!
WORD BUBBLE (from off-panel): Shhhhhh...
Panel 3:
NARRATION (top): It was only a dream. One I've had almost every
night.
Joe is awake now, it's too dark to see his face clearly, as it's downcast.
JOE: Mary (word bubble should be small, whisper-text).
WORD BUBBLE (off-panel): Shhhhhhhhhhh...
Page 3:
Four panels, first and last larger than the others.
Panel 1:
We see that Joe is not being comforted by Mary, but rather by an
alien, another of our cast. Her name, or at least the best human
approximation, is Sheylan. Her alien species is of the same type
as one of those from the dream, although not as scary, and distinctly
feminine. Basic humanoid shape, perhaps a slightly elongated, ethereal
look. Unusual skin color, too, for a human, maybe a bluish base with
embellishments in other colors, but that's subject to change if a real
artists eye has a better idea.
It should be clear she's not 'in bed' with Joe, and now that a light
is on (a small one in a transparent globe held in her hand), we see
that he's not in a bedroom at all. He's in a small room, almost like
the hold of a boat. There's several hammock-like objects on the wall,
with Joe's the only one occupied.
SHEYLAN: Shhheashoooovashya, Sho.
NARRATION (bottom of panel): Almost every night since the time it
happened for real.
Panel 2:
Sheylan pulls Joe by the hand towards a door, beckoning him.
Panel 3: From outside the door, where there's a rope ladder leading
up. The door is opened, and Joe is calling downward at someone.
JOE: Tolstoy, what is Shey trying to tell me?
Panel 4:
We get a full view of the vehicle Joe is on. It's something like a
large stagecoach, pulled by alien creatures the size of elephants.
On top is room for people to sit, but right now there is only one
there, of a completely separate type than Sheylan. Their description isn't
that important, their part in the story is limited, so go nuts
creativity-wise. They should be consistent with each other,
though, and with the ability to use the stagecoach interior
comfortably, and look to come from the same evolutionary
background as the beasts of burden. The coach is at rest, and
there are several others these same type of aliens is tending to
the needs of the animals.
On the ground, tilted up to look at Joe, there is a robot on the
top platform. It has insect-like legs, but should not be horrifying.
Somewhere between strange and cute, like a droid from Star Wars.
This is Tolstoy, an alien robot guide/translator.
Tolstoy's word bubbles should be squared and electronic-looking.
TOLSTOY: She was likely trying to inform you that we are camped near
the edge of another discontinuity, and that your friend wishes you down
there to look.
Page 4:
5 (or more) panels, size as desired
Panel 1:
Joe wipes the sweat off his brow as he descends the ladder.
NARRATION: Tolstoy, or one of its kind, anyway, was the one who
finally explained what had happened, once it learned our language,
and was able to stop the fighting. He told us that the people we
thought had abducted us were actually fellow victims, that their
planet, like ours and a hundred others, had been peeled like an
orange, and the pieces stuck back together randomly to form this
alien world.
Panel 2:
Joe is walking away from the coach. Tolstoy and Sheylan are in the
background talking in an alien tongue.
NARRATION: I don't know where your piece landed, but you're here
somewhere, and that's why I started travelling, to have a hope of
finding you.
Panel 3:
We see a man, human, in a tank top, sitting among alien trees,
trying to cut at one of the branches with a knife. He's about
the same age as Joe, but better built. This is Dennis, the final
member of the main cast for this issue.
NARRATION: My best friend is Dennis. We're best friends solely
because we decided to leave at the same time and the same direction,
and both speak English without translating. I don't really know him
well. He was in the army, but was on vacation when it happened, and
cut off from everyone he knew, so we have that in common.
Panel 4:
We can see Dennis is sitting on the other side of a big scar of land,
where the alien plains abruptly changes into an equally alien
forest. The trees are stubby, no more than the height of a man. Joe
is visible on the plains side.
JOE: What's it like over there?
DENNIS: Gravity's a bit heavy, so watch your step at the border. The
trees are as tough as metal.
NARRATION: Surprisingly, we don't talk much besides business. Maybe
we don't want to be reminded of what we lost.
Panel 5:
Closer on the two of them. Joe has crossed the border.
JOE: We'll never get through this on the wagon. I guess we'll have
to detour around it.
DENNIS: That's one option.
JOE: There's another?
NARRATION: With so much ground to cover, I try not to think about how
it's pretty much a hopeless quest.
Page 5:
5 panels (or more), size as desired
Panel 1: We see Dennis hand something to Joe, but at this point we
can't see what it is.
DENNIS: Take a look at this. With the heavy gravity, even with the high
winds, it couldn't have travelled too far on its own, so someone must
have brought it.
Panel 2: Closeup on Joe's hands, holding what appears to be a bit of
rusted metal, crunched up but roughly tubular in shape.
DENNIS (off-panel): Tolstoy's data says this slice is long, but not too
thick, and it's only a matter of time before we lose our ride anyway.
We ditch out now, we can probably walk to the other side on our own.
JOE: Okay, so, more alien trash. So, maybe there's a city past
this... but if we're meeting more aliens, I'd rather risk the detour and
have backup on our side.
DENNIS: Look more closely.
Panel 3: The same tube, turned more on its side, and closer in. It's now
clear that it's a can of cola. For some reason the top and bottom
have eroded away, but the label can be seen, as well as english
writing.
DENNIS (off panel): That's good old fashioned American trash.
With any luck, my hunch is right, and we'll be looking at another
chunk of planet Earth on the other side.
Panel 5:
On Joe's face, looking at the garbage and realizing what it is.
NARRATION: But sometimes the simplest things keep hope alive.
And now a little explanatory info (copy and pasted from a response I made to the critiques, which weren't overly harsh but I wanted to explain a few things that weren't obvious in the script itself):
Just wanted to give a little more information surrounding my submission, Split-Up, not so much to defend as to explain the thinking that went into it, and answer a few of the questions in the criticism (even if they were meant rhetorically), as well as a bit of general 'what I've learned'.
I wrote most of the submission in one day, because I didn't anticipate having time to do it during the rest of the week, and didn't even know about the workshop in advance (missed the setup thread completely). So yeah, I guess it looks like I'm trying to defend myself a bit, but mostly I want to point out that some things I did know about where the story might go, and some things I didn't know where it might go, and that some of the problems in it reflect that - I didn't focus on areas I hadn't developed yet. But while writing it, I did form a general plan, sort of a 'if I developed this fully, here's what it would be' that informed much of what I did.
When I started I had three major goals for the five pages (not ordered necessarily in order of importance):
1) Introduce the concept of the world.
2) Introduce the "split up" theme and, though it'd be too long to explain, at least touch on how it'd work.
3) Introduce the main characters on Joe's side of the story, Shey, Tolstoy, and Dennis, and the general 'type' of story his would be (travelling adventure).
So let's start with the concept. Quite some time ago, I had the basic concept of the Earth being suddenly physically 'joined' to another planet, or multiple other planets, whether through portals, wormholes, or, in this case, a sudden disassembly and reassembly, a while ago, and a vague idea that a story might focus on a pair of lovers who were separated because of the event, but it was one of many ideas in the back of my head. I didn't really have a particular idea where to go with it until I started attempting to do it for a workshop, and pretty much the only element I had before I started. And, btw, though I think I didn't get it across very well, more or less what's happened is this: Imagine you had an orange, spraypainted blue, and you ripped off the peel bit by bit because it was sticky. Some pieces are big, some are small. Also, you had similar peels of other oranges, each a different color, and, for some reason or another (I had a couple ideas on the table but hadn't settled on one), you decided to sew them all together to cover a much larger ball. But you didn't really care or want that the colors were touching each other. You just wanted them all on the same ball. That's more or less what the mysterious alien race did with Earth (the blue one) and a bunch of other planets (there's a little more to it but that would be revealed gradually, this is more of what a layman's understanding of whats happened would be), except the removal of the land and stitching it elsewhere took place almost instantly from the perspective of anybody on the planet, so there was no 'rescue' for anyone. Every piece of every stolen planet is there, as well as everyone on it (assuming they haven't died in the meantime) but there's no easy way to know where anybody else is. The process is 'technology so advanced it might as well be magic' (but would probably be the only major example of that in the series - most of the rest of hi-tech that would appear in the series would be more traditional SF that you could almost imagine being developed given a couple hundred years head start. There'd also be a few pseudoscientific concepts like telepathy, but no outright magic or supernatural stuff)
Secondly, the Split Up theme. Initially, I actually did have Joe and Mary being a more or less happy couple, but then I realized that since the planet was splitting up, they should be too. Or, not exactly splitting up (since in that case there'd be no reason for Joe to go looking for Mary), but headed in that direction, even if they both cared for each other. If this event hadn't happened, Joe and Mary would probably have eventually split up. I had the idea of showing this through flashbacks. So "Split Up" could refer to what happened to the planet, what happened to the couple physically as a result of the event, or what was looming for the couple's relationship.
The idea was also to be that this event sort of forced them to correct some of the problems in their relationship - Joe, who loved Mary but had trouble making the big gestures, is now on a romantic, quixotic quest to find his one love. Mary (we'd eventually learn in a subsequent arc - I figured we'd flip-flop between them), who had a lot of insecurities, would be stuck in a situation where she found herself with a lot of power and having to rely on herself to use it properly (I had the tentative plan that there were hostiles surrounding her section of Earth, and that in the process of fighting them she gets access to some kind of supertech). They'd each be on a separate 'journey', eventually meeting and learning more about why the mysterious alien race had done all this, and deciding whether they were really right for each other after all, but of course you can only do so much in five pages, so I wanted to just touch on it with Joe's side of the story first, because I had the best grasp on it right away and felt it would be easiest to showcase the general plot.
On the final count, I wanted to establish the cast in Joe's part of the story, but of course only briefly at this point. It would have been hard to get too deeply into their motivations - none of them are specifically aiding them on his quest, they're just all travelling in the same direction together for the time being for different reasons. (Specifically, Dennis is also looking for family/friends, Shey's part of an alien science team trying to chart this new world, and Tolstoy was created (by one of the early victims of the process) to be an envoy trying to bring peace and understanding to the new shared world, and so its general goal was to replicate himself at various locations to provide ease of communications). At the same time, I wanted to give a taste of the type of story it was going to be (travelling adventure, which is why I didn't want to get into things like how Tolstoy stopped the fighting, or that first little while of madness in general - it just wasn't the story I wanted to tell, and I thought it best if the first 5 pages reflected the story as it would be rather than spent time on something that would have been by its nature transient).
To answer some of the other comments/criticisms/questions, yeah, the narration was indeed intended to be a "letter to Mary", albeit one he had no way of actually sending, so was in the vein almost of a journal entry written to somebody else. I clearly could have done better on this and making it all flow more smoothly (I'd intended that later in the issue it would be revealed that this was his first attempt at writing all of this down, which explains why he was explaining things already known, but even so the dialog didn't flow well and was a little stilted, especially at the transition from the first use of the narration to the later uses). I will also clearly have to work on my dialog in general, I do tend to be a bit text heavy at times (as you can probably tell from this).
Now, as to whether I actually do develop it fully or leave it as a five page intro to a story never told, I don't know. I do have a lot of works-in-progress, so I can't say how much time I'd care to devote to it. On the other hand, I do find myself often half plotting out elements in the rest of the story when I'm idle. So we'll see.
Today is my last afternoon work day. Well, assuming the truck's not horrendously late. From now on I work mornings, which means more free time when I get home. Plus, probably cooler temperatures.
Finished: Next of Kin, by Eric Frank Russell
Started: Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, by Susanna Clarke
Some brief non-spoilery thoughts on NoK behind the cut.
It's an older work, about a scout on a survey mission to the 'enemy', to see how far their network extends. When his ship no longer works he must survive on his own wits.
It's what I'd call a bit 'light' side of SF. Not that there weren't SF aspects, but it was played more as an excuse to have light comedic moments about bureaucracy and how easy it can be to fool stupid people. So, I enjoyed it mildly, but I can't see myself really remembering much of it a year from now, except perhaps as single jokes (oh yes, there was one story where the guy escaped by (so and so)).
I still can't figure out why it was called Next of Kin, since the main character doesn't really have family. I suppose there's one explanation that at least makes sense for why they'd choose the title, involving Eustace, but I'd think there'd be better titles available.
Doctor Who, Spoilers for Utopia behind cut!
Okay, Utopia. Well, what can I say. I liked it. The surprise was a little blunted for me because I'd heard a spoiler before the season began. Now the only thing was left was to see if the spoiler was true or misinformation, and it turned out to be more or less true. Except the fact that the watch played a role wasn't revealed, so that was a nice little twist. Still, it was cool.
The 'main plot' was a little weak, but then it didn't have to be strong, it was just a nice little paper covering over the big reveal. Jack was also really fun to see, much more into his true form and not as mopey as Torchwood. The explanation for his immortality's a bit weak, though, but par for the course on the show.
We got a little bit of 'magically convenient TARDIS rules' in the ep, though, with Jack holding onto the Tardis when it dematerializes. I thought they were going to explain it with the Vortex Manipulator, but they never actually seemed to make the connection - they said he'd "had" a vortex manipulator, but it burnt out in the 1800s. If they said it still had enough juice to hold on, fine, but otherwise you have Jack doing something that was otherwise impossible. (And, Doc, it might have been a good idea to ask Jack to tag along for the ride when the Master left, rather than hold the door).
Otherwise I don't really have any _big_ complaints as I often do, save one. Which I guess means I do have them. Loved the Master reveal. Loved both actors playing the Master. What I didn't love? The "YOU ARE NOT ALONE=YANA!" montage. It just felt so... amateurish. Like RTD was saying, "Did you see what I did there? Did you? The Professor's name was Yana, which is also an acronym for You Are Not Alone! Did you see it?" when it should have been left as an easter egg. The only reason to bludgeon it in is if it's a major plot point - if the Professor _chose_ Yana because he somehow learned of You Are Not Alone and wanted to mock the Doctor. Otherwise, it made me eyeroll.
Still I look forward to seeing where they go from here. I'm thinking either Utopia itself, the version of Captain Jack who lived to the end of the Universe, or Martha's magic cell phone will play a role in them getting out, or maybe all of the above.
Normally, I don't post any of my fiction writing. I'll occasional post random ideas or seeds of same, but I'm always shy of posting actual writing. It's the kind of thing where either I want to attempt to publish it first, or if not I want to edit and editing is slow. I think there are a few Sliders fanfics of mine out there from a decade ago, but not much other than that. But, on one of the message boards, someone started a 'Writers Workshop' thread, where the first challenge was to write the first 5 pages of a story, in comic book script format, although any genre. I'm not technically on a writing cycle now, but I'm still trying to stretch myself, so I figured I'd do something I don't normally do, and participate.
So I took an old idea I had that I didn't think I was going to write into a short story or novel, and over the course of a day or so fleshed it out into 5 comic pages worth of introduction and posted to the thread. Still kinda think it sucks, but the thread is here, towards the end of the first page, if anyone happens to be interested. I'm ghostly1 there. There are a few other interesting script starts there too of course that might be worth a look.
Edit: Decided to include it directly in the entry, behind a cut of course. And now updated with some explanatory data of the concept.
Okay, this isn't a project I've been working on for any length of
time. I wrote this specifically for the workshop (although I had
the basic idea for the 'world' before). I don't know that I'll be
able to participate in the workshop regularly, but you caught me on
a week where I didn't have a lot to do, and since I pretty well never
do the 'sharing my work' thing, I figured I'd give it a try if I
came up with an idea. I did, obviously, yesterday, and wrote this
up over the course of about a day. So, naturally, the dialog could use some work and I'll probably wind up changing all the names when I can think of better ones. But, here we go. Comments of course, welcome (since if they weren't, why do it?)
"Split-Up", Issue #1, First Five Pages
by me (copyright, technically, but probably released under a creative commons type license eventually)
Page 1:
6 panels. Maybe more, if necessary to spread things out a little
more or put in establishing shots. Fine to be relatively tight in
most of the time though, so smaller panels would be okay and still
have decent detail.
Panel 1:
We see a woman walking away from a man. They are two of our main
characters (although only one will be seen much this arc). Both college
age. The male, Joe, is a pretty average guy. The girl, likewise. Both
might qualify as 'geek cute', with the girl leaning more towards the
outwardly geeky looking (perhaps wearing glasses), and the guy one
of those ones who tries to fly under the radar.
In fact, that should be the theme of his look at this point. No bright
colors, no labels on his shirt, he doesn't like to make waves or stand
out.
They're in a university campus, in an indoor area, and so there are
other students around, reading, eavesdropping, or otherwise.
JOE: Mary, wait! Come on, what did you want me to say?
MARY: I don't know, defend me? Act like I'm something more to you
than something to keep you busy when your friends aren't around?
JOE: You know that's not true. I mean, you know you are. You mean
everything to me.
Panel 2:
He's got her attention again, but Mary is between turning to give him a
chance to say something and being angry.
JOE: I'm sorry. Kev's a jerk sometimes, but he's not...
MARY: Oh, of course. You defend him to me, but not me to him.
Whatever, I'd rather spend my day off alone, catching up on studying.
JOE: I'm not defending him, I'm apologizing for him. I love you.
Panel 3:
Mary is backing up, away from Joe.
MARY: I really hope that's true, because I think I love _you_. But
anybody can say the words. The proof's in the behaviour. You've
got to make an effort.
JOE: I know. Come back upstairs, I'll kick Kev out, and we'll watch
that movie.
Panel 4:
They're standing a short distance apart. One might be able to see,
through a window to the outside, a huge energy wall ('the divider')
snaking towards them, or other people outside reacting to it and
freaking out. People not involved in the fight might now be getting up
to look at the divider.
MARY: No, not today. I'm not in the mood any more, and I really do
have stuff I should do.
JOE: Call you tonight?
MARY: If you want.
Panel 5:
The panel is from Joe's perspective. He's looking at Mary, who
seems a little softer, no longer so angry, maybe if anything tired
or sad. Depending on how close you want to make it, you might see
the divider again, on the edge of the view, about to sweep past
them.
JOE: I will.
MARY: Joe, I think...
Panel 6:
The divider has swept across the room, separating Joe and Mary. The
panel is from Joe's perspective, where it just seems like some huge
energy field has slammed between them.
Page 2:
3 panels. One relatively large panel to start with, 2 smaller panels.
Panel 1:
Relatively large panel. The energy field is gone, now, but what it
has left in its place is strange and unfamiliar. View should probably
be side on, showing Joe reacting to a group of alien beings. It
should also make clear that it's a division point, along the line of
where the force field was. Whatever was on Joe's side is there. Make
good effect of this, parts of the building sheared neatly in half.
Whatever was on Mary's side is seemingly replaced by an alien
landscape, relatively barren, except for a science team. It should
be noted that nothing on the 'alien' side should be cut in half, save
the ground itself. Joe is shocked, and scared, confused, freaked out.
ALIEN WORD BUBBLE: (alien characters)
Panel 2:
Darkened room, Joe bolting awake, shirt off, sweating. Classic 'waking
from a nightmare' type pose.
Keep the focus tight on the character, not the room - he could be
anywhere.
JOE: Aieeee!
WORD BUBBLE (from off-panel): Shhhhhh...
Panel 3:
NARRATION (top): It was only a dream. One I've had almost every
night.
Joe is awake now, it's too dark to see his face clearly, as it's downcast.
JOE: Mary (word bubble should be small, whisper-text).
WORD BUBBLE (off-panel): Shhhhhhhhhhh...
Page 3:
Four panels, first and last larger than the others.
Panel 1:
We see that Joe is not being comforted by Mary, but rather by an
alien, another of our cast. Her name, or at least the best human
approximation, is Sheylan. Her alien species is of the same type
as one of those from the dream, although not as scary, and distinctly
feminine. Basic humanoid shape, perhaps a slightly elongated, ethereal
look. Unusual skin color, too, for a human, maybe a bluish base with
embellishments in other colors, but that's subject to change if a real
artists eye has a better idea.
It should be clear she's not 'in bed' with Joe, and now that a light
is on (a small one in a transparent globe held in her hand), we see
that he's not in a bedroom at all. He's in a small room, almost like
the hold of a boat. There's several hammock-like objects on the wall,
with Joe's the only one occupied.
SHEYLAN: Shhheashoooovashya, Sho.
NARRATION (bottom of panel): Almost every night since the time it
happened for real.
Panel 2:
Sheylan pulls Joe by the hand towards a door, beckoning him.
Panel 3: From outside the door, where there's a rope ladder leading
up. The door is opened, and Joe is calling downward at someone.
JOE: Tolstoy, what is Shey trying to tell me?
Panel 4:
We get a full view of the vehicle Joe is on. It's something like a
large stagecoach, pulled by alien creatures the size of elephants.
On top is room for people to sit, but right now there is only one
there, of a completely separate type than Sheylan. Their description isn't
that important, their part in the story is limited, so go nuts
creativity-wise. They should be consistent with each other,
though, and with the ability to use the stagecoach interior
comfortably, and look to come from the same evolutionary
background as the beasts of burden. The coach is at rest, and
there are several others these same type of aliens is tending to
the needs of the animals.
On the ground, tilted up to look at Joe, there is a robot on the
top platform. It has insect-like legs, but should not be horrifying.
Somewhere between strange and cute, like a droid from Star Wars.
This is Tolstoy, an alien robot guide/translator.
Tolstoy's word bubbles should be squared and electronic-looking.
TOLSTOY: She was likely trying to inform you that we are camped near
the edge of another discontinuity, and that your friend wishes you down
there to look.
Page 4:
5 (or more) panels, size as desired
Panel 1:
Joe wipes the sweat off his brow as he descends the ladder.
NARRATION: Tolstoy, or one of its kind, anyway, was the one who
finally explained what had happened, once it learned our language,
and was able to stop the fighting. He told us that the people we
thought had abducted us were actually fellow victims, that their
planet, like ours and a hundred others, had been peeled like an
orange, and the pieces stuck back together randomly to form this
alien world.
Panel 2:
Joe is walking away from the coach. Tolstoy and Sheylan are in the
background talking in an alien tongue.
NARRATION: I don't know where your piece landed, but you're here
somewhere, and that's why I started travelling, to have a hope of
finding you.
Panel 3:
We see a man, human, in a tank top, sitting among alien trees,
trying to cut at one of the branches with a knife. He's about
the same age as Joe, but better built. This is Dennis, the final
member of the main cast for this issue.
NARRATION: My best friend is Dennis. We're best friends solely
because we decided to leave at the same time and the same direction,
and both speak English without translating. I don't really know him
well. He was in the army, but was on vacation when it happened, and
cut off from everyone he knew, so we have that in common.
Panel 4:
We can see Dennis is sitting on the other side of a big scar of land,
where the alien plains abruptly changes into an equally alien
forest. The trees are stubby, no more than the height of a man. Joe
is visible on the plains side.
JOE: What's it like over there?
DENNIS: Gravity's a bit heavy, so watch your step at the border. The
trees are as tough as metal.
NARRATION: Surprisingly, we don't talk much besides business. Maybe
we don't want to be reminded of what we lost.
Panel 5:
Closer on the two of them. Joe has crossed the border.
JOE: We'll never get through this on the wagon. I guess we'll have
to detour around it.
DENNIS: That's one option.
JOE: There's another?
NARRATION: With so much ground to cover, I try not to think about how
it's pretty much a hopeless quest.
Page 5:
5 panels (or more), size as desired
Panel 1: We see Dennis hand something to Joe, but at this point we
can't see what it is.
DENNIS: Take a look at this. With the heavy gravity, even with the high
winds, it couldn't have travelled too far on its own, so someone must
have brought it.
Panel 2: Closeup on Joe's hands, holding what appears to be a bit of
rusted metal, crunched up but roughly tubular in shape.
DENNIS (off-panel): Tolstoy's data says this slice is long, but not too
thick, and it's only a matter of time before we lose our ride anyway.
We ditch out now, we can probably walk to the other side on our own.
JOE: Okay, so, more alien trash. So, maybe there's a city past
this... but if we're meeting more aliens, I'd rather risk the detour and
have backup on our side.
DENNIS: Look more closely.
Panel 3: The same tube, turned more on its side, and closer in. It's now
clear that it's a can of cola. For some reason the top and bottom
have eroded away, but the label can be seen, as well as english
writing.
DENNIS (off panel): That's good old fashioned American trash.
With any luck, my hunch is right, and we'll be looking at another
chunk of planet Earth on the other side.
Panel 5:
On Joe's face, looking at the garbage and realizing what it is.
NARRATION: But sometimes the simplest things keep hope alive.
And now a little explanatory info (copy and pasted from a response I made to the critiques, which weren't overly harsh but I wanted to explain a few things that weren't obvious in the script itself):
Just wanted to give a little more information surrounding my submission, Split-Up, not so much to defend as to explain the thinking that went into it, and answer a few of the questions in the criticism (even if they were meant rhetorically), as well as a bit of general 'what I've learned'.
I wrote most of the submission in one day, because I didn't anticipate having time to do it during the rest of the week, and didn't even know about the workshop in advance (missed the setup thread completely). So yeah, I guess it looks like I'm trying to defend myself a bit, but mostly I want to point out that some things I did know about where the story might go, and some things I didn't know where it might go, and that some of the problems in it reflect that - I didn't focus on areas I hadn't developed yet. But while writing it, I did form a general plan, sort of a 'if I developed this fully, here's what it would be' that informed much of what I did.
When I started I had three major goals for the five pages (not ordered necessarily in order of importance):
1) Introduce the concept of the world.
2) Introduce the "split up" theme and, though it'd be too long to explain, at least touch on how it'd work.
3) Introduce the main characters on Joe's side of the story, Shey, Tolstoy, and Dennis, and the general 'type' of story his would be (travelling adventure).
So let's start with the concept. Quite some time ago, I had the basic concept of the Earth being suddenly physically 'joined' to another planet, or multiple other planets, whether through portals, wormholes, or, in this case, a sudden disassembly and reassembly, a while ago, and a vague idea that a story might focus on a pair of lovers who were separated because of the event, but it was one of many ideas in the back of my head. I didn't really have a particular idea where to go with it until I started attempting to do it for a workshop, and pretty much the only element I had before I started. And, btw, though I think I didn't get it across very well, more or less what's happened is this: Imagine you had an orange, spraypainted blue, and you ripped off the peel bit by bit because it was sticky. Some pieces are big, some are small. Also, you had similar peels of other oranges, each a different color, and, for some reason or another (I had a couple ideas on the table but hadn't settled on one), you decided to sew them all together to cover a much larger ball. But you didn't really care or want that the colors were touching each other. You just wanted them all on the same ball. That's more or less what the mysterious alien race did with Earth (the blue one) and a bunch of other planets (there's a little more to it but that would be revealed gradually, this is more of what a layman's understanding of whats happened would be), except the removal of the land and stitching it elsewhere took place almost instantly from the perspective of anybody on the planet, so there was no 'rescue' for anyone. Every piece of every stolen planet is there, as well as everyone on it (assuming they haven't died in the meantime) but there's no easy way to know where anybody else is. The process is 'technology so advanced it might as well be magic' (but would probably be the only major example of that in the series - most of the rest of hi-tech that would appear in the series would be more traditional SF that you could almost imagine being developed given a couple hundred years head start. There'd also be a few pseudoscientific concepts like telepathy, but no outright magic or supernatural stuff)
Secondly, the Split Up theme. Initially, I actually did have Joe and Mary being a more or less happy couple, but then I realized that since the planet was splitting up, they should be too. Or, not exactly splitting up (since in that case there'd be no reason for Joe to go looking for Mary), but headed in that direction, even if they both cared for each other. If this event hadn't happened, Joe and Mary would probably have eventually split up. I had the idea of showing this through flashbacks. So "Split Up" could refer to what happened to the planet, what happened to the couple physically as a result of the event, or what was looming for the couple's relationship.
The idea was also to be that this event sort of forced them to correct some of the problems in their relationship - Joe, who loved Mary but had trouble making the big gestures, is now on a romantic, quixotic quest to find his one love. Mary (we'd eventually learn in a subsequent arc - I figured we'd flip-flop between them), who had a lot of insecurities, would be stuck in a situation where she found herself with a lot of power and having to rely on herself to use it properly (I had the tentative plan that there were hostiles surrounding her section of Earth, and that in the process of fighting them she gets access to some kind of supertech). They'd each be on a separate 'journey', eventually meeting and learning more about why the mysterious alien race had done all this, and deciding whether they were really right for each other after all, but of course you can only do so much in five pages, so I wanted to just touch on it with Joe's side of the story first, because I had the best grasp on it right away and felt it would be easiest to showcase the general plot.
On the final count, I wanted to establish the cast in Joe's part of the story, but of course only briefly at this point. It would have been hard to get too deeply into their motivations - none of them are specifically aiding them on his quest, they're just all travelling in the same direction together for the time being for different reasons. (Specifically, Dennis is also looking for family/friends, Shey's part of an alien science team trying to chart this new world, and Tolstoy was created (by one of the early victims of the process) to be an envoy trying to bring peace and understanding to the new shared world, and so its general goal was to replicate himself at various locations to provide ease of communications). At the same time, I wanted to give a taste of the type of story it was going to be (travelling adventure, which is why I didn't want to get into things like how Tolstoy stopped the fighting, or that first little while of madness in general - it just wasn't the story I wanted to tell, and I thought it best if the first 5 pages reflected the story as it would be rather than spent time on something that would have been by its nature transient).
To answer some of the other comments/criticisms/questions, yeah, the narration was indeed intended to be a "letter to Mary", albeit one he had no way of actually sending, so was in the vein almost of a journal entry written to somebody else. I clearly could have done better on this and making it all flow more smoothly (I'd intended that later in the issue it would be revealed that this was his first attempt at writing all of this down, which explains why he was explaining things already known, but even so the dialog didn't flow well and was a little stilted, especially at the transition from the first use of the narration to the later uses). I will also clearly have to work on my dialog in general, I do tend to be a bit text heavy at times (as you can probably tell from this).
Now, as to whether I actually do develop it fully or leave it as a five page intro to a story never told, I don't know. I do have a lot of works-in-progress, so I can't say how much time I'd care to devote to it. On the other hand, I do find myself often half plotting out elements in the rest of the story when I'm idle. So we'll see.
Today is my last afternoon work day. Well, assuming the truck's not horrendously late. From now on I work mornings, which means more free time when I get home. Plus, probably cooler temperatures.
