Well, it hit me again...
Sep. 30th, 2003 04:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
newnumber6The old 'what am I doing' 'I'm in over my head' 'why am I bothering' cavalcade of self-doubt.
Okay, so I go to school for computer science. I don't love computer science, but it was something, when I was finished high school, I figured I was good at and could do it, and it would probably lead to a decent job. And it was okay the first year and a half or so of University. Ever since then, pretty regularly, at some point in early in the term... about this point, actually, I'd have The Doubt.
You see, things stopped being easy. We reached a level where, although on an abstract level I can often understand the concepts involved very well, when it comes to actual practical implementation, the programming, it's hard as hell. The minutae of the job, the making sure of parentheses and how exactly to structure headers of in so and so programming language, etc.
And what's more, I don't like it any more. Oh, I can find some level of interest in very specific areas, but it's stopped being an area that I feel I could get a job in as a 'programmer', unless somewhere out there is paying big money for people to write 'Hello World' programs. Because, again, past a certain level of sophistication, I don't feel I can program, I can't implement. I really don't see myself working in the field after I graduate, if I graduate. Or any field. I'm possessed by a feeling that I'll be doing some low-end manual labour job for the rest of my life, or perhaps going on an extended Walk.
If it wasn't for not wanting to disappoint my family, I'd probably quit school and do just that, save some time and let the soul-crushing drudgery begin. But I can't. I'm the first of my family to even make it to University, and my parents have supported me, so I feel obligated to see it through. Or try, anyway, although I feel less and less sure I can make it. This is one of the reasons its taken me so long to graduate.
In the best of all possible worlds, I'd want to be a writer (well, no, in the best of all possible worlds I'd be some kind of hero, wizard, or maybe god, but in the best of all realistic worlds), like I'm sure many of the people on my friends list (MU*s seem to attract wannabe writers or artists). However, I know that's not going to happen, I may have some good ideas, but again, implementing them is my stumbling block, I have trouble buckling down and doing the work... and really, what claim have I as a writer? Write what you know is the standard advice. And what do I know? What have I done with my life? Not a whole lot. I don't even understand people... hell, I can barely communicate with them. How the hell am I going to write about believable ones? I give it a go now and then when I've got an idea that particularly intrigues me, but I never manage to finish. I'm semi-proud that I at least got my first and only rejection slip from a short story magazine, but I don't even think I've finished anything since then, much less submitted it. So, yeah, that's clearly not in the cards as a career.
More and more just vanishing into the woodwork feels like a good option. But I won't. Not yet.
And I'll probably get over this particular bout of melancholic panic when I finish the three assignments due on the same day next week, and get back to being able to just laze a while longer.
Anyway. Sorry for whining, but felt like trying to get it out there and seeing if it helped.
Okay, so I go to school for computer science. I don't love computer science, but it was something, when I was finished high school, I figured I was good at and could do it, and it would probably lead to a decent job. And it was okay the first year and a half or so of University. Ever since then, pretty regularly, at some point in early in the term... about this point, actually, I'd have The Doubt.
You see, things stopped being easy. We reached a level where, although on an abstract level I can often understand the concepts involved very well, when it comes to actual practical implementation, the programming, it's hard as hell. The minutae of the job, the making sure of parentheses and how exactly to structure headers of in so and so programming language, etc.
And what's more, I don't like it any more. Oh, I can find some level of interest in very specific areas, but it's stopped being an area that I feel I could get a job in as a 'programmer', unless somewhere out there is paying big money for people to write 'Hello World' programs. Because, again, past a certain level of sophistication, I don't feel I can program, I can't implement. I really don't see myself working in the field after I graduate, if I graduate. Or any field. I'm possessed by a feeling that I'll be doing some low-end manual labour job for the rest of my life, or perhaps going on an extended Walk.
If it wasn't for not wanting to disappoint my family, I'd probably quit school and do just that, save some time and let the soul-crushing drudgery begin. But I can't. I'm the first of my family to even make it to University, and my parents have supported me, so I feel obligated to see it through. Or try, anyway, although I feel less and less sure I can make it. This is one of the reasons its taken me so long to graduate.
In the best of all possible worlds, I'd want to be a writer (well, no, in the best of all possible worlds I'd be some kind of hero, wizard, or maybe god, but in the best of all realistic worlds), like I'm sure many of the people on my friends list (MU*s seem to attract wannabe writers or artists). However, I know that's not going to happen, I may have some good ideas, but again, implementing them is my stumbling block, I have trouble buckling down and doing the work... and really, what claim have I as a writer? Write what you know is the standard advice. And what do I know? What have I done with my life? Not a whole lot. I don't even understand people... hell, I can barely communicate with them. How the hell am I going to write about believable ones? I give it a go now and then when I've got an idea that particularly intrigues me, but I never manage to finish. I'm semi-proud that I at least got my first and only rejection slip from a short story magazine, but I don't even think I've finished anything since then, much less submitted it. So, yeah, that's clearly not in the cards as a career.
More and more just vanishing into the woodwork feels like a good option. But I won't. Not yet.
And I'll probably get over this particular bout of melancholic panic when I finish the three assignments due on the same day next week, and get back to being able to just laze a while longer.
Anyway. Sorry for whining, but felt like trying to get it out there and seeing if it helped.
