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Dec. 5th, 2010 11:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
newnumber6So, I went to my work's Xmassy party last night. I know I'm not the most social of people, but I figured the odds were running about 60% that it would be a relatively neutral experience (with the negative/awkwardness balanced out by at least it being a free meal), 30% that it would be a more or less negative awkward experience, 8% that it would be a generally positive experience that made me unreservedly happy I went, 1% that it'd go so awfully that it would push me into suicide that very night, and about 1% that it would dramatically change my life for the better (which was probably an overestimation, but what can I say, I'm an optimist). Not the greatest odds, but sometimes you have to take a chance on the longshots, it's why people play the lottery.
But the reason most people lose the lottery is because odds are the numbers they are for a reason. My experience landed squarely in the neutral category.
I've gone to these before, but not in several years, and I believe the last time I did, my stepmother worked at the same place so I had a family buffer. This time, no buffer.
So I didn't talk much the whole evening, just a few words here and there. I got there early (well, right on time, but apparently from past experience they planned on everybody showing up late, so they told us dinner would be about an hour before it was), though there were a few people there I didn't really know anybody so I sat at an empty table by myself. Luckily, shortly after a couple people who I at least knew a little from work showed up and one invited me to sit with them (they initially sat down with others they knew).
But I didn't know them (or anyone, really) there well enough that I could feel comfortable talking freely, even when I could think of something to say, so mostly I just said a few words here and there when asked a direct question, a couple hellos, and otherwise did my impression of a mute. At least the company (from what I could overhear) was decent, a few entertaining stories, and apparently a woman I see regularly working (and who always says hello to me) was at Woodstock when she was 16. Never would have guessed. Still, I didn't feel like I opened up any avenues of conversation with anybody, made anyone who wasn't likely to talk to me before because they felt they didn't know me more likely to, gave anyone the sense they knew more about me, or, of course, made a romantic connection with a co-worker (not that I expected to, is, but given what my social life consists of, that's likely the only situation where it's even theoretically possible).
Dinner, aside from being served later than I'd've liked was... okay. It was a good meal, nothing was bad per se, but it was all fairly standard fare, nothing like the type of meal that I'd get excited about if we were to do the same thing next year, unlike in years and years ago when they did it at say, the Mandarin Chinese Buffet.
One amusing note (to me) is that it was buffet style serve yourself (but not all you can eat so although portions were reasonably generous (except they were a bit stingy on meat), you couldn't just pig out or you'd leave nothing for other people), and when I was in line I grabbed a spoonfull of something i thought was a whipped mashed-potatoey thing. I later dumped rice on top of it because the plate was getting a bit prouded.
Guess what? It wasn't potatoes. It was horseradish.
Now, for those of you who are not familiar with me, here is how my mind works. I like to clean my plate, if at all possible, and normally there's no problem with it. But I feel like if I don't, it's both an implied criticism of the chefs and it makes people wonder about whether I didn't like it or was too full, and I don't like people wondering, and anxiety ensues at the prospect (and yes, I know, intellectually, that they're probably not thinking at ALL about me. Knowing that has never made a damn bit a difference to how it feels). If I can avoid it, I also don't like people realizing I've made a stupid mistake, no matter how insignificant (luckily, my sense of honor usually prevents me from covering up when it matters, so it's actually more a factor when it IS totally insignificant).
So, what did I do? Yes, you've guessed correctly. I ate the evidence. I ate that spoonfull of horseradish paste and did my very best to not look like it bothered me, that it was just rice. I think I pulled it off too, except for my drinking more water than usual, I don't believe I pulled any faces (except maybe upon that first bite when I realized what it was, but I don't think anybody noticed). Luckily I generally like spicy stuff anyway, but still, it was unpleasant except in the sense that I was able to take it like a challenge and so enjoy it on that level. Though I've been experiencing mild sporadic heartburn today and I wonder if it's related.
After dinner they had a raffle, with pretty decent prizes (it was one of the factors that made my guess at the odds of "generally positive experience" raise to the lofty heights of 8%), and I lucked out... and won a box of chocolates. All the good prizes were given away by the time I won. Story of my life. :) Still, better than nothing. For winning prizes, that is.
They also had a ceremony where everyone who was there who worked X number of years got a pin with their number of years on it. Apparently, I've been working there 11 years. Who knew. I think only a handful of other people there've been longer than me. Anyway, minor negative note, when they called my name, I got an ego boost when there was clapping an I heard people yelling my name, which I thought meant I'd been recognized in my quiet way. Except, turns out, somebody else with my name had gotten up at the same time (even though he'd been there much less than 11 years, maybe even not a full year at all, it was hard to hear so he probably just thought he'd been called late). So I can never really know if any of that was for me, or if it was for the other guy. It's strange. If I got the applause and chanting myself, it would have felt good. If I had gotten only the mild polite applause of other people (which I'd expected), I'd have been happy. Hell, given that few people there have probably even seen me (I only work for a few hours a week, and the party was for several stores including people I've never met), even if I got much less than most people, I wouldn't have been bothered. Yet somehow, although logic indicates that this ambiguous scenario (enthusiastic applause that may or may not have been for me) is somewhere between those options, it makes me feel worse than any of them. :P. Meh.
Anyway, then they started music and dancing which was my cue to skedaddle.
So all in all... neutral, I'm not especially sorry I went, however aside from the general principle of "well at least I tried, it was worth a shot and it's good to push myself outside of my comfort zone", I think I'd still have had more fun home alone.
But the reason most people lose the lottery is because odds are the numbers they are for a reason. My experience landed squarely in the neutral category.
I've gone to these before, but not in several years, and I believe the last time I did, my stepmother worked at the same place so I had a family buffer. This time, no buffer.
So I didn't talk much the whole evening, just a few words here and there. I got there early (well, right on time, but apparently from past experience they planned on everybody showing up late, so they told us dinner would be about an hour before it was), though there were a few people there I didn't really know anybody so I sat at an empty table by myself. Luckily, shortly after a couple people who I at least knew a little from work showed up and one invited me to sit with them (they initially sat down with others they knew).
But I didn't know them (or anyone, really) there well enough that I could feel comfortable talking freely, even when I could think of something to say, so mostly I just said a few words here and there when asked a direct question, a couple hellos, and otherwise did my impression of a mute. At least the company (from what I could overhear) was decent, a few entertaining stories, and apparently a woman I see regularly working (and who always says hello to me) was at Woodstock when she was 16. Never would have guessed. Still, I didn't feel like I opened up any avenues of conversation with anybody, made anyone who wasn't likely to talk to me before because they felt they didn't know me more likely to, gave anyone the sense they knew more about me, or, of course, made a romantic connection with a co-worker (not that I expected to, is, but given what my social life consists of, that's likely the only situation where it's even theoretically possible).
Dinner, aside from being served later than I'd've liked was... okay. It was a good meal, nothing was bad per se, but it was all fairly standard fare, nothing like the type of meal that I'd get excited about if we were to do the same thing next year, unlike in years and years ago when they did it at say, the Mandarin Chinese Buffet.
One amusing note (to me) is that it was buffet style serve yourself (but not all you can eat so although portions were reasonably generous (except they were a bit stingy on meat), you couldn't just pig out or you'd leave nothing for other people), and when I was in line I grabbed a spoonfull of something i thought was a whipped mashed-potatoey thing. I later dumped rice on top of it because the plate was getting a bit prouded.
Guess what? It wasn't potatoes. It was horseradish.
Now, for those of you who are not familiar with me, here is how my mind works. I like to clean my plate, if at all possible, and normally there's no problem with it. But I feel like if I don't, it's both an implied criticism of the chefs and it makes people wonder about whether I didn't like it or was too full, and I don't like people wondering, and anxiety ensues at the prospect (and yes, I know, intellectually, that they're probably not thinking at ALL about me. Knowing that has never made a damn bit a difference to how it feels). If I can avoid it, I also don't like people realizing I've made a stupid mistake, no matter how insignificant (luckily, my sense of honor usually prevents me from covering up when it matters, so it's actually more a factor when it IS totally insignificant).
So, what did I do? Yes, you've guessed correctly. I ate the evidence. I ate that spoonfull of horseradish paste and did my very best to not look like it bothered me, that it was just rice. I think I pulled it off too, except for my drinking more water than usual, I don't believe I pulled any faces (except maybe upon that first bite when I realized what it was, but I don't think anybody noticed). Luckily I generally like spicy stuff anyway, but still, it was unpleasant except in the sense that I was able to take it like a challenge and so enjoy it on that level. Though I've been experiencing mild sporadic heartburn today and I wonder if it's related.
After dinner they had a raffle, with pretty decent prizes (it was one of the factors that made my guess at the odds of "generally positive experience" raise to the lofty heights of 8%), and I lucked out... and won a box of chocolates. All the good prizes were given away by the time I won. Story of my life. :) Still, better than nothing. For winning prizes, that is.
They also had a ceremony where everyone who was there who worked X number of years got a pin with their number of years on it. Apparently, I've been working there 11 years. Who knew. I think only a handful of other people there've been longer than me. Anyway, minor negative note, when they called my name, I got an ego boost when there was clapping an I heard people yelling my name, which I thought meant I'd been recognized in my quiet way. Except, turns out, somebody else with my name had gotten up at the same time (even though he'd been there much less than 11 years, maybe even not a full year at all, it was hard to hear so he probably just thought he'd been called late). So I can never really know if any of that was for me, or if it was for the other guy. It's strange. If I got the applause and chanting myself, it would have felt good. If I had gotten only the mild polite applause of other people (which I'd expected), I'd have been happy. Hell, given that few people there have probably even seen me (I only work for a few hours a week, and the party was for several stores including people I've never met), even if I got much less than most people, I wouldn't have been bothered. Yet somehow, although logic indicates that this ambiguous scenario (enthusiastic applause that may or may not have been for me) is somewhere between those options, it makes me feel worse than any of them. :P. Meh.
Anyway, then they started music and dancing which was my cue to skedaddle.
So all in all... neutral, I'm not especially sorry I went, however aside from the general principle of "well at least I tried, it was worth a shot and it's good to push myself outside of my comfort zone", I think I'd still have had more fun home alone.
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no subject
Date: 2010-12-06 12:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-06 10:02 pm (UTC)I know the usual advice is to push through the anxiety and do it, but, it really doesn't work that way for me. I tend to overstate the role of anxiety because it makes more sense to people. The truth is, consciously, at least, it's not directly about anxiety. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if it's that on some level, because how I explain to myself and figure out what I can and can't do usually work with anxiety-based reasonings. But it literally feels more like I just lose control and go mostly on autopilot. It's not that I'm too anxious to talk, it's that I simply find I can't, or I can't think of what to say, no matter how much I try to will otherwise, except for weird exceptions that I don't even always understand. The anxiety is mostly about anticipating feeling that strange leash, or depression/frustration from trying to fight against it and failing, and it certainly plays a role in not making me put myself out there in situations in the first place, but the moment itself, like when I'm sitting at a table full of people I don't know, or is often not anxious, just vaguely uncomfortable. I'm not scared, I just find myself not acting in the ways that I want.
So from past experience, I'm reasonably sure I simply never will pick up that phone or whatever to get the process started, or if I did I'd back out, and shamefully, I have to admit I don't think at this moment I have it in me to try. A failure of will, I suppose. Perhaps one day the downsides of my life will outweigh the difficulties and I'll take that leap, though.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-06 01:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-06 09:09 pm (UTC)