Baby Steps
Oct. 1st, 2011 01:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
newnumber6(Some of this post has been written months ago, I procrastinate)
So, I'm not especially happy with my life. This should be no surprise, I've been this way quite a while. And although evidence suggests I'm incapable of fixing it on the large scale, I decided recently that I should try some targetted changes and small goals, each able to make me feel marginally better about my life. Some are resuming old efforts that I've slacked on, some are new, some are quite silly. It hasn't made a measurable difference in my life so far, but I'll keep trying, because it's better than just doing nothing.
In any event, in recent months I've
1) Memorized the entire Yakko Warner "Nation's of the World" song from Animaniacs. I mentioned this in my April Fools "Three Truths and Three Lies" thing.
Reason: To develop a useless 'party skill', if I went to parties or that were the type of thing that was impressive at them anyway.
Hopes: That one day I meet a genie who will grant me wishes if I can name more than 50 countries in a minute.
Realistic Hopes: That one day I might impress somebody, somewhere, if I can get up the nerve to demonstrate.
Effects Noticed So Far: I tend to automatically recite it in my head when I first leave for work.
2) Submitted a short story for attempted publication (to Analog)
Reason: Because becoming a published SF writer is just about the last dream left I have that I don't feel is either completely impossible, or impossible for me personally. And I've been slacking off on submitting. A LOT.
Hopes: Publication, followed by a Hugo and Nebula award and a movie option, followed by a movie which completely disregards most of my plot but is financially successfuly anyway and gives me name recognition.
Realistic Hopes: Even publication is unlikely, honestly, and I have to keep my hopes down because of the inevitable post-rejection depression, but I'll keep my proverbial fingers crossed nonetheless. Publication, if it happened, probably would be a big self-esteem boost and encourage me to write more, where I've still been in a bit of a slump.
Effects Noticed So Far: The e-mail went through and I got a response and tracking number. That's about all I can expect at this point.
3) Paid off my student loans (4 years early)
Reason: I realized that I could, and I save the money that would have been wasted on interest, and don't have to keep paying about $90 a month towards it (though of course I did have to send a lump sum).
Hopes: Some small amount of self-esteem from being completely debt free (I own no credit cards so that's the only outstanding debt I had)
Realistic Hopes: I can put at least part of that $90/month towards something else.
Effects Noticed So Far: A dip in my bank account balance. Minimal self-esteem boost.
4) Registered as an Organ Donor
Reason: This one was sort of accidental. Although I've long wanted to be an organ donor (it just makes sense, and I've also been a recipient, in the cornea area), various psychological reasons have prevented me from doing so before - nothing to do with the procedure itself, but having to go through the hoops of contacting the people, getting a form, signing a signature, etc, etc. My procrastination and my 'not wanting to deal with people I don't know' combine basically into a perfect storm of apathy. Then, one day, I saw on the news that Ontario had simplified their system - Just do it online (if you're in Ontario, beadonor.ca is the place to do it). So, before the story finished airing, I was starting to do it.
Hopes: My life's been pretty useless so far, maybe if I die suddenly I'll be able to do some good that way and not end up a total loss.
Realistic Hopes: It is a fairly realistic hope, actually. Even if I just advance science (cough, excuse me.... SCIENCE!!) in the tiniest bit, even just by furthuring the education of a scientist, that's good enough for me.
Effects Noticed So Far: I think people have been eyeing me on the street, just craving a chance at my sweet, sweet organs. Well, not yet, you vultures!
Okay, I haven't really noticed that effect.
Mini-Goals For The Future
Some of these are thing I might get to, some are pie in the sky things. I mix them freely.
1) Start donating to charity on a semi-regular basis.
Reason: That $90/month I was paying to the bank? Well, why not attempt to do some good in the world with at least some of that.
Hopes: To make some kind of positive difference in the world and not be a complete waste of space (except my delicious, delicious organs).
Realistic Hopes: I know that in aggregate charities can do a lot of good, but on a 1-to-1 relationship my money's not likely to make a huge, identifiable difference in any cause, so let's face it, it's probably a self-esteem thing.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: Part of it is because I want to build up some of the emergency-backup-money that I spent paying the student loans off (which would happen much faster if not for my current regular charity contribution - paying my brother's share of the rent and food :P. I should add not be such an enabler to my list).
Also, there's the trouble of choosing a charity. So this is a place Where You Can Help. I'm open to suggestions. I thought initially
of one of those 'sponsor a child in a disadvantaged country' things, which might give me the sense of a one-on-one connection, then I looked into it and discovered that the 'sponsorship' thing is often a convenient fiction... yes they pair you with a child and you get letters, but basically your money is pooled with others and distributed all over the community rather than actually going to help that specific child, and sometimes,depending on the charity, they just give you letters from a 'typical child' (and there are all sorts of issues with that that I wasn't intially aware of). And really looking into it also alerted me to a bunch of other issues about the whole enterprise I hadn't considered that I'd need to think about. Which isn't to say it's not still a good idea to donate, and it's still an option, but it made me take a step back from my first instinct and look at other options too. So if you have a pet charity that you know of, well, I'll listen. I may do one charity, or several. The only restriction is that I'll be a little more leery of heavily religious charities (specifically if they're the type that make their help dependent on accepting some of their moral restrictions, or if any money donated actually goes towards religious instruction in any way... if they're just religious people who happen to work for a good cause, that's all good and I have no problem with that).
2) Take some kind of class
Reason: Get me out of the house more, and into some kind of _potential_ social interaction (right now my options are limited to the short time I spend at work, or the Internet), learn some kind of useful (as opposed to useless) skill.
Hopes: Meet the love of my life in class, or become so awesome at what I try that I make a good living at it alone.
Realistic Hopes: Learn something moderately useful.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: Aside from my usual laziness in getting started on ANYTHING, particularly anything with a social component (seriously, I put off paying my student loans for about 2 months because I knew it would involve me having to deal with somebody over the phone), I haven't decided exactly WHAT to take. My thoughts right now lean towards either cooking, or some kind of foreign language. Again, suggestions are welcome.
3) Develop Super-Powers
Reason: Because who doesn't want super-powers?
Hopes: Something in the Superman, all-powerful-being mold would be nice. Teleportation or Multiple-Man type powers would also be awesome, or ooh, stopping Time.
Realistic Hopes: Dying of Radiation Poisoning
Why I Haven't Started Yet: Because this is reality, and when my most realistic hope is dying of radiation poisoning, it's not a viable plan yet.
4) Exercise
Reason: I'm not especially unfit, because I walk 45 minutes (each way) every time I go to work, and work itself involves lifting and carrying heavy things, but there are some areas I probably could do better on, for self-esteem/vanity if nothing else. I'm not talking weight-lifting here, but you know, pushups, situps, maybe running more instead of walking.
Hopes: 6 pack abs, of course!
Realistic Hopes: A bit of overall better health.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: Because summer's still hanging on, and there's no air conditioning here, and I don't want to die. Also, the apartment is a little cramped so there's not really a good space to even do pushups and situps (I can't even do it in my room without risking bumping into something). Also have I mentioned I'm lazy? But, maybe soon.
5) Buy a Suit
Reason: There are social occasions where a suit is required and I feel uncomfortable with (more than usual) because I'm either left with the option of borrowing one (a usually ill-fitting or styled one), going underdressed for the occasion, or buying one without the time it usually requires to do something socially related outside of my routines (and most of my effort's already being spent on the occasion requiring the suit). If I have it in advance, I don't have to worry.
Hopes: Maybe I'll look awesome in a suit!
Realistic Hopes: Some less social embarrassment in situations where a suit is called for.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: Aside from the usual procrastination-involving-anything-social, and that until recently I didn't really have the spare cash to buy a suit in advance, I will need to learn proper suit care and maintenance, since I'm totally clueless on that, as well a find a place to hang it (assuming they need to be hung) when I'm not using it (the apartment is small and cramped as it is, my room even moreso... the closet it filled with dresser and bookshelves). Maybe that's what I should take a class in, proper suit handling.
6) See About My Eyes
Reason: For those of who don't know, I'm effectively blind in one eye, by which I mean I can't read anything even right in front of me, or recognize faces, although I can make out general shapes and I could probably follow a familiar path with minimal difficulty. With my other eye, well, my vision's workable, but it's not great, and I've noticed slow degradation over the years, particularly in distance vision. I can't read things that I know others can, and every year I have to try a little harder to read the small time display on my VCR clock from bed. I'm theoretically fine until I lose my ability to read books and the internet (at which point, unless it's reversible, the only thing I'll be doing with my remaining vision is finding my way to the rooftop of a tall building or something), which I don't expect to happen for a while, but it really should be checked out.
Hopes: That my problems are easily correctable with modern science, and that I'll have a significant vision improvement.
Realistic Hopes: Getting glasses or something which, while not curing the problem, at least make me functional for longer.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: The usual problems of social interactions, plus trying to figure out whether/how much I'll have to pay (I like to know all that sort of thing in advance).
7) Buy a new mattress
Reason: Every mattress I've owned as an adult has been really old or second hand or both. Sometimes I wake up sore or have trouble sleeping because the mattress is a little lumpy in certain spots.
Hopes: One of those perfect night sleeps, and some kind of effect where being fully rested makes all my other problems disappear.
Realistic Hopes: Just generally an increased level of comfort.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: I don't actually know what kind of mattress would be best for me, which means I'd probably have to go into a store and experiment, and have the risk of buying a mattress I can't sleep on, plus, I only have room for a single bed in my room, and it seems to be remarkably hard to find prices for single mattresses in different styles and so compare, online.
8) Come up with more things.
Reason: Because these clearly won't fix my life, so more would need to be done. Just nothing big is coming to mind.
So, I'm not especially happy with my life. This should be no surprise, I've been this way quite a while. And although evidence suggests I'm incapable of fixing it on the large scale, I decided recently that I should try some targetted changes and small goals, each able to make me feel marginally better about my life. Some are resuming old efforts that I've slacked on, some are new, some are quite silly. It hasn't made a measurable difference in my life so far, but I'll keep trying, because it's better than just doing nothing.
In any event, in recent months I've
1) Memorized the entire Yakko Warner "Nation's of the World" song from Animaniacs. I mentioned this in my April Fools "Three Truths and Three Lies" thing.
Reason: To develop a useless 'party skill', if I went to parties or that were the type of thing that was impressive at them anyway.
Hopes: That one day I meet a genie who will grant me wishes if I can name more than 50 countries in a minute.
Realistic Hopes: That one day I might impress somebody, somewhere, if I can get up the nerve to demonstrate.
Effects Noticed So Far: I tend to automatically recite it in my head when I first leave for work.
2) Submitted a short story for attempted publication (to Analog)
Reason: Because becoming a published SF writer is just about the last dream left I have that I don't feel is either completely impossible, or impossible for me personally. And I've been slacking off on submitting. A LOT.
Hopes: Publication, followed by a Hugo and Nebula award and a movie option, followed by a movie which completely disregards most of my plot but is financially successfuly anyway and gives me name recognition.
Realistic Hopes: Even publication is unlikely, honestly, and I have to keep my hopes down because of the inevitable post-rejection depression, but I'll keep my proverbial fingers crossed nonetheless. Publication, if it happened, probably would be a big self-esteem boost and encourage me to write more, where I've still been in a bit of a slump.
Effects Noticed So Far: The e-mail went through and I got a response and tracking number. That's about all I can expect at this point.
3) Paid off my student loans (4 years early)
Reason: I realized that I could, and I save the money that would have been wasted on interest, and don't have to keep paying about $90 a month towards it (though of course I did have to send a lump sum).
Hopes: Some small amount of self-esteem from being completely debt free (I own no credit cards so that's the only outstanding debt I had)
Realistic Hopes: I can put at least part of that $90/month towards something else.
Effects Noticed So Far: A dip in my bank account balance. Minimal self-esteem boost.
4) Registered as an Organ Donor
Reason: This one was sort of accidental. Although I've long wanted to be an organ donor (it just makes sense, and I've also been a recipient, in the cornea area), various psychological reasons have prevented me from doing so before - nothing to do with the procedure itself, but having to go through the hoops of contacting the people, getting a form, signing a signature, etc, etc. My procrastination and my 'not wanting to deal with people I don't know' combine basically into a perfect storm of apathy. Then, one day, I saw on the news that Ontario had simplified their system - Just do it online (if you're in Ontario, beadonor.ca is the place to do it). So, before the story finished airing, I was starting to do it.
Hopes: My life's been pretty useless so far, maybe if I die suddenly I'll be able to do some good that way and not end up a total loss.
Realistic Hopes: It is a fairly realistic hope, actually. Even if I just advance science (cough, excuse me.... SCIENCE!!) in the tiniest bit, even just by furthuring the education of a scientist, that's good enough for me.
Effects Noticed So Far: I think people have been eyeing me on the street, just craving a chance at my sweet, sweet organs. Well, not yet, you vultures!
Okay, I haven't really noticed that effect.
Mini-Goals For The Future
Some of these are thing I might get to, some are pie in the sky things. I mix them freely.
1) Start donating to charity on a semi-regular basis.
Reason: That $90/month I was paying to the bank? Well, why not attempt to do some good in the world with at least some of that.
Hopes: To make some kind of positive difference in the world and not be a complete waste of space (except my delicious, delicious organs).
Realistic Hopes: I know that in aggregate charities can do a lot of good, but on a 1-to-1 relationship my money's not likely to make a huge, identifiable difference in any cause, so let's face it, it's probably a self-esteem thing.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: Part of it is because I want to build up some of the emergency-backup-money that I spent paying the student loans off (which would happen much faster if not for my current regular charity contribution - paying my brother's share of the rent and food :P. I should add not be such an enabler to my list).
Also, there's the trouble of choosing a charity. So this is a place Where You Can Help. I'm open to suggestions. I thought initially
of one of those 'sponsor a child in a disadvantaged country' things, which might give me the sense of a one-on-one connection, then I looked into it and discovered that the 'sponsorship' thing is often a convenient fiction... yes they pair you with a child and you get letters, but basically your money is pooled with others and distributed all over the community rather than actually going to help that specific child, and sometimes,depending on the charity, they just give you letters from a 'typical child' (and there are all sorts of issues with that that I wasn't intially aware of). And really looking into it also alerted me to a bunch of other issues about the whole enterprise I hadn't considered that I'd need to think about. Which isn't to say it's not still a good idea to donate, and it's still an option, but it made me take a step back from my first instinct and look at other options too. So if you have a pet charity that you know of, well, I'll listen. I may do one charity, or several. The only restriction is that I'll be a little more leery of heavily religious charities (specifically if they're the type that make their help dependent on accepting some of their moral restrictions, or if any money donated actually goes towards religious instruction in any way... if they're just religious people who happen to work for a good cause, that's all good and I have no problem with that).
2) Take some kind of class
Reason: Get me out of the house more, and into some kind of _potential_ social interaction (right now my options are limited to the short time I spend at work, or the Internet), learn some kind of useful (as opposed to useless) skill.
Hopes: Meet the love of my life in class, or become so awesome at what I try that I make a good living at it alone.
Realistic Hopes: Learn something moderately useful.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: Aside from my usual laziness in getting started on ANYTHING, particularly anything with a social component (seriously, I put off paying my student loans for about 2 months because I knew it would involve me having to deal with somebody over the phone), I haven't decided exactly WHAT to take. My thoughts right now lean towards either cooking, or some kind of foreign language. Again, suggestions are welcome.
3) Develop Super-Powers
Reason: Because who doesn't want super-powers?
Hopes: Something in the Superman, all-powerful-being mold would be nice. Teleportation or Multiple-Man type powers would also be awesome, or ooh, stopping Time.
Realistic Hopes: Dying of Radiation Poisoning
Why I Haven't Started Yet: Because this is reality, and when my most realistic hope is dying of radiation poisoning, it's not a viable plan yet.
4) Exercise
Reason: I'm not especially unfit, because I walk 45 minutes (each way) every time I go to work, and work itself involves lifting and carrying heavy things, but there are some areas I probably could do better on, for self-esteem/vanity if nothing else. I'm not talking weight-lifting here, but you know, pushups, situps, maybe running more instead of walking.
Hopes: 6 pack abs, of course!
Realistic Hopes: A bit of overall better health.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: Because summer's still hanging on, and there's no air conditioning here, and I don't want to die. Also, the apartment is a little cramped so there's not really a good space to even do pushups and situps (I can't even do it in my room without risking bumping into something). Also have I mentioned I'm lazy? But, maybe soon.
5) Buy a Suit
Reason: There are social occasions where a suit is required and I feel uncomfortable with (more than usual) because I'm either left with the option of borrowing one (a usually ill-fitting or styled one), going underdressed for the occasion, or buying one without the time it usually requires to do something socially related outside of my routines (and most of my effort's already being spent on the occasion requiring the suit). If I have it in advance, I don't have to worry.
Hopes: Maybe I'll look awesome in a suit!
Realistic Hopes: Some less social embarrassment in situations where a suit is called for.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: Aside from the usual procrastination-involving-anything-social, and that until recently I didn't really have the spare cash to buy a suit in advance, I will need to learn proper suit care and maintenance, since I'm totally clueless on that, as well a find a place to hang it (assuming they need to be hung) when I'm not using it (the apartment is small and cramped as it is, my room even moreso... the closet it filled with dresser and bookshelves). Maybe that's what I should take a class in, proper suit handling.
6) See About My Eyes
Reason: For those of who don't know, I'm effectively blind in one eye, by which I mean I can't read anything even right in front of me, or recognize faces, although I can make out general shapes and I could probably follow a familiar path with minimal difficulty. With my other eye, well, my vision's workable, but it's not great, and I've noticed slow degradation over the years, particularly in distance vision. I can't read things that I know others can, and every year I have to try a little harder to read the small time display on my VCR clock from bed. I'm theoretically fine until I lose my ability to read books and the internet (at which point, unless it's reversible, the only thing I'll be doing with my remaining vision is finding my way to the rooftop of a tall building or something), which I don't expect to happen for a while, but it really should be checked out.
Hopes: That my problems are easily correctable with modern science, and that I'll have a significant vision improvement.
Realistic Hopes: Getting glasses or something which, while not curing the problem, at least make me functional for longer.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: The usual problems of social interactions, plus trying to figure out whether/how much I'll have to pay (I like to know all that sort of thing in advance).
7) Buy a new mattress
Reason: Every mattress I've owned as an adult has been really old or second hand or both. Sometimes I wake up sore or have trouble sleeping because the mattress is a little lumpy in certain spots.
Hopes: One of those perfect night sleeps, and some kind of effect where being fully rested makes all my other problems disappear.
Realistic Hopes: Just generally an increased level of comfort.
Why I Haven't Started Yet: I don't actually know what kind of mattress would be best for me, which means I'd probably have to go into a store and experiment, and have the risk of buying a mattress I can't sleep on, plus, I only have room for a single bed in my room, and it seems to be remarkably hard to find prices for single mattresses in different styles and so compare, online.
8) Come up with more things.
Reason: Because these clearly won't fix my life, so more would need to be done. Just nothing big is coming to mind.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-10-01 06:17 pm (UTC)Good luck!
no subject
Date: 2011-10-03 08:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-04 10:56 am (UTC)As far as #5 goes, keeping a suit indefinitely is pretty easy: Hang it on a good hangar, cover it with a garment bag to keep the dust off, store in a cool dry place away from insects, and try not to gain 20 pounds so you don't fit in it anymore. :-P As far as buying one, give thanks you are male and thus able to wear an understated dark-colored suit, or just the top half, to pretty much any event from business casual to weddings.
#6 is something that recently burned me, so you should definitely prioritize that one. (I am now $500 poorer after sticking with my old bad glasses for so long that it degraded my vision in my good eye, and then the frame broke, requiring an emergency fix over lunch break at the most expensive shop in town.)