Introspection
Jul. 19th, 2004 06:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
newnumber6(cut so people can skip over the inevitable whiny depressive rant interspersed with other stuff)
So, in the past couple months I've had some time to myself, to think and look inward. I've had a low level of depression lately, peaking occasionally and then going back down. The heat hasn't helped things much.
Anyway, there is the obvious dimension to this... that I'm hella lonely. Of course in the casual sense (don't really have a source for regular low-level chatter) and in the intimate (no one really close). I know I'm going to be alone my entire life, so I just wish I could reprogram myself to like that, to _not_ want someone to hold, to spend time with, etc. Since it's what I'm going to be anyway, I wish I could make myself want to be the human island. It would make things easier. Maybe I'll grow into it eventually.
Anyway, besides the obvious, since XET closed I've come to realize how little I have going on in my life that I'm proud of. I was proud of XET going on, while it did. Even when it frustrated the hell out of me, it was a little ego-boost that it was still there, in part because of me. Now that's gone, so I've been taking stock... and I don't have a whole lot. No personal life to speak of. My job is pleasant enough but not particularly impressive. School? Yeah, I'm almost finished, but I stopped caring long ago, and it's already taken me too long to really be proud of it (and I doubt I'll ever actually go into the field). Beyond that, I have little in the way of self-esteem generators. It doesn't have to be particularly big, even if it's something nobody knows about but me (though I do have attention-whorish qualities), but I want something.
So, enough whining on with trying to do something about it. One thing I want to do is start doing writing again. Now that I don't have a MU* to run, hopefully I can find some time to write some short stories. I ran across my list of ideas and remembered some ones I'd forgotten, I might be able to do something with them. The major problem is, it's summer, and it's often hot, and my motivation and inspiration runs to near zero when I'm hot, so I may put it off a little until it cools down more regularly. I suppose as short term, I can go back to ego-writing when I get the chance... that is, writing fantastic stories with me as the star where something unbelievable happens to me or I get superpowers or transported to another world or save Christmas or whatever.
Those don't take much effort or energy and I can usually pick up where I left off pretty easily. I'll also still occasionally try to knock off a post-continuity log for XET, since I still have a bunch of ideas for there.
The other thing I'm going to do is focus more on that idea I posted a while back about a comic/SF/Fantasy news/reviews/interviews/opinion site. I can get a domain name whenever I want, I just need to actually think of a name I like (and is open). Right now I've got two possibilities I like somewhat, but haven't decided yet and probably will try to find other ones. But anyway, working on it, even if it doesn't go anywhere for a while, may give me the extra esteem boost I'm looking for.
So, in the past couple months I've had some time to myself, to think and look inward. I've had a low level of depression lately, peaking occasionally and then going back down. The heat hasn't helped things much.
Anyway, there is the obvious dimension to this... that I'm hella lonely. Of course in the casual sense (don't really have a source for regular low-level chatter) and in the intimate (no one really close). I know I'm going to be alone my entire life, so I just wish I could reprogram myself to like that, to _not_ want someone to hold, to spend time with, etc. Since it's what I'm going to be anyway, I wish I could make myself want to be the human island. It would make things easier. Maybe I'll grow into it eventually.
Anyway, besides the obvious, since XET closed I've come to realize how little I have going on in my life that I'm proud of. I was proud of XET going on, while it did. Even when it frustrated the hell out of me, it was a little ego-boost that it was still there, in part because of me. Now that's gone, so I've been taking stock... and I don't have a whole lot. No personal life to speak of. My job is pleasant enough but not particularly impressive. School? Yeah, I'm almost finished, but I stopped caring long ago, and it's already taken me too long to really be proud of it (and I doubt I'll ever actually go into the field). Beyond that, I have little in the way of self-esteem generators. It doesn't have to be particularly big, even if it's something nobody knows about but me (though I do have attention-whorish qualities), but I want something.
So, enough whining on with trying to do something about it. One thing I want to do is start doing writing again. Now that I don't have a MU* to run, hopefully I can find some time to write some short stories. I ran across my list of ideas and remembered some ones I'd forgotten, I might be able to do something with them. The major problem is, it's summer, and it's often hot, and my motivation and inspiration runs to near zero when I'm hot, so I may put it off a little until it cools down more regularly. I suppose as short term, I can go back to ego-writing when I get the chance... that is, writing fantastic stories with me as the star where something unbelievable happens to me or I get superpowers or transported to another world or save Christmas or whatever.
Those don't take much effort or energy and I can usually pick up where I left off pretty easily. I'll also still occasionally try to knock off a post-continuity log for XET, since I still have a bunch of ideas for there.
The other thing I'm going to do is focus more on that idea I posted a while back about a comic/SF/Fantasy news/reviews/interviews/opinion site. I can get a domain name whenever I want, I just need to actually think of a name I like (and is open). Right now I've got two possibilities I like somewhat, but haven't decided yet and probably will try to find other ones. But anyway, working on it, even if it doesn't go anywhere for a while, may give me the extra esteem boost I'm looking for.
